i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
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I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
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I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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