woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You don't make any sense
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