Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
