I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You left your phone here
Wait...
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