I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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