i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize