I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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