pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
birth control should be required to get into college
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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