I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize