You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
