mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i wish my penis had a tongue
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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