life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
