I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
