Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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