This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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