1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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