U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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