I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
