Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
