is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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