I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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