You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
