I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I came so hard my ears popped.
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