the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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