you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
