Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
