I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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