remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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