You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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