She's JV to your varsity
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
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