Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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