My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
