I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
