genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
