We're facebook friends in real life
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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