I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
