Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
