I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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