he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
