I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
