you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
