Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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