After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
