you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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