If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
