just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
