There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
