toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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