pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
