you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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