There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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