mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
