Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
