2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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