Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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