So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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