I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
